Deeper Thoughts
by Jack Handey
taken from a calender of the same name
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Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.
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Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
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I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars
you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit
being so cheap!
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When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up
high behind you to keep people from following too close.
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As the light changed from red to green and yellow and back to red again, I
sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
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You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water
skis! How do they do that?!
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If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it
necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a
lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
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If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real
mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with that dork!" and
point to another father.
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Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake.
That's called Houdini. Love is liking something a lot.
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Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute,
then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking
the questions?
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If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
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Dad thought that laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
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